I had such fun writing the six versions of Mary Had a Little Lamb included in the (soon to be published) The Devil’s Book of Baby Names and Nursery Rhymes that I decided to write some more.
One hundred and ninety-four more, to be precise.
In Mary Had a Little Lamb: A Definitive Corruption, you will generally find that Mary is a bitch, her lamb is some kind of sexual deviant, and more often than not there is something unsavory going on between the two of them.
But I couldn’t stop. So, after a conversation with the recently deceased Leslie Jordan (in a dream), I published More Mary Had a Little Lamb: A Definitive Sequel, containing yet another 200 verses.
I hope you the enjoy the books as much as I enjoyed writing them.
– Laurence
HOARDER:
Mary had a little lamb,
And hoarded all its fleeces.
She also saved its urine, boogers,
Earwax, nails and feces.
CLARET:
Mary had a little lamb,
And washed it down with claret.
But undercooked, it came back up,
Along with chunks of carrot.
KITTENS:
Mary had a little lamb,
And also had two kittens.
She skinned them all one Winter’s night
To make a scarf and mittens.
THICKET:
Mary had a little lamb,
She led him to a thicket.
She whored him out to homeless bums
At five bucks for a ticket.
WHITE:
Mary had a little lamb.
Her skin was white as snow.
So, Mary had white privilege
Wherever she would go.
RINGTONE:
Mary had a little lamb
She spoke to with a grim tone.
She liked to tape him crying and
Then use it as her ringtone.
Praise for Mary Had a Little Lamb: A Definitive Corruption
“At last, a book that delves into the special bond that exists between a woman and her flock. No matter how small, or how many sheep she has lost. A must read for all practicing and aspiring shepherdesses.”
Little Bo Peep
“Mary is a tiresome wench who has slept her way through the whole nursery rhyme community. Her lamb is just as bad. Quite frankly, the less we hear about them the better.”
Little Jack Horner
“She had a lamb! One! I had a whole farm, but do I get an entire book devoted to me? Of course, not. Also, rumor has it that Mary gave both Jack and Jill chlamydia, so ponder that as you’re reading this filth.”
Old MacDonald
“I’m going to wait for the TV version. Reading books takes too long, and at my age you just don’t know how much longer you have to live.”
Old Mother Hubbard
Praise for More Mary Had a Little Lamb: A Definitive Sequel
“Mary and her lamb are such intricate and complex characters that this second collection of verse seems entirely warranted. I hear they’re still inseparable, which is rare these days, isn’t it? And illegal in several states.”
Little Miss Muffet
“For the record, Mary did not give us chlamydia. Jill just had a very stubborn yeast infection that required several courses of topical cream.”
Jack and Jill
“Mary has the second-best pair of lips in the nursery rhyme community. The best pair belong to her lamb.”
The Drunken Sailor
“Did we really need another two-hundred verses about Mary and her malnourished sheep? Why not publish a book on webs from around the world? That would be far more interesting.”
Itsy Bitsy Spider